The Tao of Jace

There’s just a few things I wish I’d known before I got engaged.

1. It’s a lot of work to keep forcing a smile to all those people you don’t like who say congratulations just because they have to in order to see if you’re ring is better than theirs. If it is, they’ll say something stupid like, “Wow! You actually did pretty well, you stupid excuse for an ass!” If it’s not, they’ll say something like, “Wow, that’s, erm, pretty. *in semi-hushed tones to the girl*(better luck next time!)” Here’s a hint: I don’t like you, so I don’t give a shit if your husband bought his way out of someone else’s bed by giving you giant cubic zirconium. You’re stupid, petty and gullible.

2. It’s a lot of work to get started planning the “big day”. Yeah, just to get started. You have to get a list of all the people who might want to come. After that you get to decide where you’ll have the wedding, what colors you want to use, where you’ll have the reception, where you’ll have the honeymoon, where you’re dog will be buried in 15 years!!! In short, you get to develop a white-paper of what you’re going to do, with pentagon like thoroughness, and how you intend to do it.

3. Then you get to figure out how to pay for it. If you’re lucky, some great-grandmother left you a huge big trust just for your “special day”. I am not lucky, so we get to figure it all out. I’m sure this will end up being the least of my worries, but I don’t like the numbers I’m seeing already. Fifty dollar sitting fees with packages starting at $59.99 — doesn’t exactly bode well, does it?

Here’s a few things you should know about me:

1. I’m lazy. I’m not scared of hard work, but I am industrious (and usually smart) enough to figure out how to not do it. I will spend 3 hours getting a computer to do something it would have taken me 2 hours to do; because if there’s one thing the corporate world has taught me it’s if you do something once, you will be asked to do it again.

2. I’m a little pretentious. It’s not that I’ve necessarily earned it; it’s that so many people in Midland have said and done the most asinine things that it proves I cannot be one of them. Don’t get me wrong. There is a great number of people in Midland that are much, much smarter than I. But there is, shall we say, an abundance of stupidity. The kind of stupidity that says Larry the Cable Guy is a comic genius.

I’m not saying I’m unhappy. I couldn’t be happier. I just wish there was a warning. It’s similar to when one of those left lane end signs gets blown away (or merely forgotten) and all the sudden you’ve got to figure out where to go. I like the drive, but I would have liked a sign.